Arch Twat

I see Jeffrey Archer's on the telly flogging women's magazines.

Seriously, how big a cunt do you have to be before people refuse to touch you with a shitty bargepole?

Perhaps given the cadre of cocksuckers who currently run the world, the question is moot.

But Archer is interesting - here's a man who seemingly hasn't done an honourable thing in his entire life. Indeed, it would appear that the man has been lying and cheating his way through life from his moment of birth.

I could easily believe that his first words were, "See this 'Spot the Dog' book? I wrote that."

Even a spell in prison wasn't enough to burst his smug bubble. Whereas Jonathan Aitken, who was sentenced for similar offences, seemed to be humbled by his time inside, Archer came out apparently as defiant as ever, not even seeming to accept that he'd actually done anything wrong.

Why is it exactly, that certain people who repeatedly prove themselves unworthy of a job of any kind always seem to land on their feet?

I'm thinking of starting an experiment: I'm going to go around acting like the biggest bastard the world has ever seen, and see if I can become Emperor of Earth before the end of the year.

Fraud Squad

Someone's just tried to scam me up.

The phone rang and, because I'm hugely paranoid (I'm always checking in cupboards for Communists), I made sure to look at the display to see the phone number of the caller.

Funny thing though - there was no number to display. Feeling adventurous, I answered anyway, to be greeted by some woman saying something like, "Stand by for a call from... someone." I couldn't really make it out, but it did make it seem rather grand - it'd almost be like receiving a call from the President of the USA - you know, if the President of the USA wasn't a evil cock.

Anyway, a few seconds later, some guy came on the line, said something inaudible, then asked me how I was. "Alright," I said (although to be honest I had just killed a man - I was slightly on edge if anything). He asked me if I used a mobile phone (I don't actually - why give "The Man" the opportunity to track you down and bum you into submission?). Nevertheless he wasted no time in telling me that my number had been selected to receive a free mobile, and made it clear that it would not cost me a thing.

Now here's the thing - I'd have to be Kevin McStupid from Stupidtown, Hants in order to not immediately spot that this guy was on the swindle, and indeed at the first opportunity (after he stopped repeatedly telling me that it would cost me nothing) I told him I wasn't interested.

"Why don't you want a free mobile phone?" he said.

"Because this is a scam," says I.

"But... it's free," he replied.

This sort of went on for a bit, until he asked me one last time why I wasn't interested and I said, "Because this is a scam and you know it is." At which point he bid me good day, cutting his losses and moving down to the next hopefully more vulnerable householder on his list.

I only wish I'd wasted more of his time now. I'll be prepared for next time though - I've got a whole routine worked out whereby I let him believe I'm interested and keep him on the line for as long as possible, before playing in some sound effects in the background of gunfire, before hanging up.

I can't wait.

Sh-ITV

The outgoing chief executive of ITV has been having a pop at Channel 4.

In a speech at the Edinburgh TV festival, Charles Allen said that Channel 4 should "grow up" and "face greater scrutiny of its programmes".

Anyone who's watched ITV recently (or in the last 10 years) would immediately recognise that this attack was broadly equivalent to a man dying of self-inflicted gunshot wounds taking the piss out of someone for stubbing their toe.

It's worth emphasising that word in the first sentence up there. He is the outgoing chief executive, and with good reason - his channel is a national disgrace.

Channel 4 isn't perfect, and I'm certainly not about to hold Big Brother up as an example of quality broadcasting. Indeed, such is my hatred for said 'programme', should I meet anyone involved with its production, I may find myself involuntarily injuring them with whatever was nearest to hand.

But when your entire schedule is filled with the kind of tat that even Endemol wouldn't consider making, you really have no position of authority.

When ITV started going down the tubes, I was actually quite dismayed - a channel that's been around for 50 years, the second oldest in Britain, with some great memories of shows from years gone by. But when I thought about it, it occurred to me that should it be put out of its misery now, I really couldn't care less.

There is literally not one programme on ITV1 that I watch, and if the worst that can happen is that the TV skips straight from BBC2 to Channel 4, that's surely a welcome price to pay so that we no longer have to pretend to foreign visitors that the third channel is actually a 24-hour rolling spoof station.

No Sacred Cows, But Could You Not Mention...

The BBC have been getting their metaphorical scissors out a bit recently.

Apart from removing some stuff about the Prime Minister from Time Trumpet with Armando Iannucci (10.00pm Thursdays, BBC2), the latest casualty would seem to be the new series of a radio comedy called The Franz Kafka Big Band, which has been removed from the schedules after editors (whoever they may be) thought a number of sketches were 'inappropriate'.

You can read the full story here.

The BBC described the show's subject matter as 'bold', but seemingly failed to match them for courage by bottling it at the last minute and pulling the programme.

The problem they seem to have with it is that a number of sketches play on recent world events, religious beliefs, and others apparently poke fun at groups like the Taliban.

But what I would say is this: if you can't poke fun at terrorists and religious fanatics, who can you ridicule?

As usual in circumstances like this, they've played it completely wrong. By pulling the show like they have, they've drawn more attention to it than it probably ever would have gotten just by broadcasting it, and now it looks like if it ever appears on the schedule, it'll be in a rather limp, watered-down form.

This is a huge shame, because from what I've read about it, it sounds fairly hilarious, which would be something of a novelty, as the BBC's usual radio comedy output is about as funny as a weekend in intensive care.

Cruising for a Losing

Tom Cruise has been dropped by Paramount Pictures due to his 'unacceptable recent conduct'.

Which is a polite way of saying, "Tom Cruise is too mental now for even shameless money-grubbing Hollywood executives to put up with."

Which, considering that those same bigwigs would probably cut a 3 picture deal with Osama Bin Laden if they thought he could pull in the key 16-35 demographic, is certainly saying something.

The weird thing is, up until relatively recently, Cruise might have been considered the acceptable face of Scientology. I don't ever remember him talking about it at all actually, and certainly never pegged him for taking up the long overdue campaign against Brooke Shields.

But his behaviour of late his been so odd, I could easily imagine even John Travolta turning all the lights off and hiding in the electricity cupboard whenever he comes round.

Maybe this is just what happens when obscenely wealthy superstars have mid-life crises, and marrying a young actress and impromptu trampolining on chat shows is just their equivalent of buying a Ferrari and getting a spray tan.

Superman Can Bugger Off Again

Finally saw Superman Returns the other day. I'm still not entrirely sure what I think of it, but I'm leaning towards massive disappointment.

Anyway, here are some questions it threw up (note - spoilers within):

1. According to Marlon Brando in that recorded message, it took Superman thousands of years to travel to Earth. So how fast can Superman fly then, if he was expecting to go and find Krypton? Or was he expecting to be out there for aeons?
2. What did he eat, and what did he breathe in space? If they're going by the standard, 'He gets all his energy from the Sun' mythos (which I've never really liked - why does he have a stomach then?), then that explains the food thing, but he has to breathe, doesn't he? Even if he took some oxygen with him, it wouldn't have lasted him five years.
3. Five years alone in space? He'd have gone mental surely?
4. How strong is he then? There have to be some limits on his abilities. And why - if it was such a struggle to stop that plane - is he apparently able to lift an entire island (infused with Kryptonite no less) up into space?
5. Why did they go with the comedy Lex Luthor approach? Kevin Spacey appears to be on a permanent piss-take throughout the film, an attitude he seemingly carried through the publicity tour they did for it. Lex Luthor was always a more interesting character to me than the infallible Superman, and after Michael Rosenbaum's nuanced, more abiguous turn on Smallville, it was a crushing shame to see the character revert to swaggering tosspot.
6. And why give Luthor another ditzy sidekick? There are some throwbacks to the earlier films they needn't have bothered with recalling. Indeed, in many ways it felt like a film from the Eighties, and not really the update I was hoping for.
7. Everyone was thrilled to see Superman again, but no-one seemed to give a stuff that Clark Kent waltzed back into The Daily Planet after five years. And that was one of the main problems with the film for me - not enough Kent. Much the same way I prefer Luthor to Superman, I've always found Superman's alter ego to be the more interesting personality. As Kent, he was probably on screen about 10 minutes altogether, and he almost needn't have been there at all.
8. You can usually judge a film's impact by which scenes and images instantly come to mind when recalling it a few days later. For me, I tend to think of the plane sequence, but beyond that I find it hard to pinpoint any standout moments. And anyone who's seen any of the trailers and publicity clips for the film will have virtually seen the entire plane bit anyway.
9. Does Bryan Singer actually have any pedigree as a director? Apart from the X-Men films, which really do nothing for me, the only other thing of note that he's done seems to be The Usual Suspects, which mainly consists of a load of men talking and trying to make each other laugh.
10. And why do his clothes never burn up on re-entry?