Fraud Squad

Someone's just tried to scam me up.

The phone rang and, because I'm hugely paranoid (I'm always checking in cupboards for Communists), I made sure to look at the display to see the phone number of the caller.

Funny thing though - there was no number to display. Feeling adventurous, I answered anyway, to be greeted by some woman saying something like, "Stand by for a call from... someone." I couldn't really make it out, but it did make it seem rather grand - it'd almost be like receiving a call from the President of the USA - you know, if the President of the USA wasn't a evil cock.

Anyway, a few seconds later, some guy came on the line, said something inaudible, then asked me how I was. "Alright," I said (although to be honest I had just killed a man - I was slightly on edge if anything). He asked me if I used a mobile phone (I don't actually - why give "The Man" the opportunity to track you down and bum you into submission?). Nevertheless he wasted no time in telling me that my number had been selected to receive a free mobile, and made it clear that it would not cost me a thing.

Now here's the thing - I'd have to be Kevin McStupid from Stupidtown, Hants in order to not immediately spot that this guy was on the swindle, and indeed at the first opportunity (after he stopped repeatedly telling me that it would cost me nothing) I told him I wasn't interested.

"Why don't you want a free mobile phone?" he said.

"Because this is a scam," says I.

"But... it's free," he replied.

This sort of went on for a bit, until he asked me one last time why I wasn't interested and I said, "Because this is a scam and you know it is." At which point he bid me good day, cutting his losses and moving down to the next hopefully more vulnerable householder on his list.

I only wish I'd wasted more of his time now. I'll be prepared for next time though - I've got a whole routine worked out whereby I let him believe I'm interested and keep him on the line for as long as possible, before playing in some sound effects in the background of gunfire, before hanging up.

I can't wait.